Been a Long Time, Baby

Well, here I am again.

Wish I could say it's all been wine and roses since last I posted, but that would be a great fat hairy fib.

On a personal level, relationship-wise, things are fine. I haven't spent as much time over here as I would ideally like to have, or had him over with me often enough (I'm in Germany as I write this), but at least I know now that at some point in the next three months I will (ought) to be moving over here on a permanent basis.

Back at the beginning of January, I probably wrote about the shit I got at work when I arrived back from best part of a month of being ill in Germany. I may even have mentioned that my anti-depressant dosage was upped to the highest it has ever been, 225 mg per diem. It hasn't been reduced down yet, even though my GP hates my being on Venlafaxine and would never have prescribed it for me himself.

Things seemed to have settled down somewhat after L's outburst earlier in the month. It was over a week before I dared speak to her about it, but after that she seemed okay with me again. Our head of department, AF, conducted an investigation into the various issues raised, but that didn't start until February and it was mid-April before he told me he'd finished and had handed it over to the staff partner, KG, who deals with disciplinary proceedings and the like.

I came out to Germany in March, for Easter. I actually arrived the weekend before, so around the middle of the month. Not a problem, in fact I was delighted Easter was so early this year as I was missing D terribly after almost a month with him in December and into January. When I got back in to the office, L's secretary J (who started on January 2 this year), remarked 'So you came back then?'

I was a little taken aback by that, to say the least, but thought nothing of it. I just said yeah, course I did, I wasn't ill this time. Truth to tell, if I could have made it into work once the worst of the sinus thing had passed I would have, and had I been in the UK I most certainly would have. The small fact that I couldn't fly back, and hadn't the money to get back any other way (and wasn't really up to trekking back on trains or ferries to Birmingham and then driving back home, only to have to make the same journey back again for Christmas), kind of prevented me from working, you know?'

Anyway. To cut to the meat of the story. I don't think I'd been back terribly long - a week at best, I think, if that - when payday arrived. That meant end of the month. L opened her wageslip and had a pink fit: she'd been docked a day's pay. That was it - she was straight on the phone to the finance manager, demanding to know what this was all about. She was absolutely raging and really quite rude to him. She was told in no uncertain terms that she had taken one more day's sick leave in the previous year than she should have, and so they had docked it from her salary.

She whisked off to speak to some of the partners, and seemed to think one of the partners who is she is on particularly good terms with would simply overrule the finance manager and give her her money back. She was not at all happy when by the following day he hadn't done so. She started talking about walking out at that point.

Come the following Monday, she still hasn't heard about getting the money back. She pushes the issue and still gets nowhere. All we hear then is 'I've worked for this fucking firm for ten years, and they treat me like shit!'

Wednesday rolls around, and I have a psychiatric appointment at 3.30 in the afternoon. L had previously said I should take a half day off. I didn't agree with that as in the past, I've seen her come in at 8 am, work through lunch and leave at 3.15. So that's what I did. Besides which, I came back into the office 90 minutes' later and worked for another hour or so, so did extra time (which I do most days anyway).

When I came back, I wandered into the secretaries' room for a chat and to pick up any messages that had made their way upstairs already. They both looked a little shell-shocked, and J told me that L had walked out. I gave her a 'you appear to be speaking in tongues' look, and she explained that immediately after I'd left for the hospital, L had grabbed her most prized personal possessions and stormed out the building. She made quite a display of herself on her departure, it would appear. Tongues were - and are - still wagging.

Following morning I rang AF at his office in another town and told him she'd left. He asked if I meant permanently and I told him yes, that she'd texted in that morning and said she was not going to work out her notice period as she was too ill due to stress. He told me not to be so stupid, that as a solicitor I should be aware that she was required to work out her notice period and couldn't just walk out. I told him that all I could say was what she had told her secretary via text message. He asked for a list of her appointments and court dates for the next week and said if she came in with a letter of resignation to call him again.

The next Monday, she did so. My secretary faxed it across to him at his behest. L asked if she had any messages from AF or from any of the partners. She was told no, she had not. I bumped into her briefly - almost literally when I got upstairs from seeing a client - and she cut me dead. I still told her goodbye and that I would miss her. At that stage, I had no idea she was not on good terms with me.

On Wednesday, she turned up unannounced saying that she was well enough to work out her notice period and intended to do so. I soon discovered she wasn't speaking to me...then that Friday she laid into me, at one point marching up to my desk, leaning across it and thrusting her finger at my face. I am afraid at that point I told her to fuck off. She carried on berating me for another few minutes, until I looked up at her scornfully and asked 'And I suppose it's my fault that you walked out, yeah?'

Oh, muppet by name and by nature! Big mistake girl, biiiiiiiiiiiiiig mistake. You gave her an idea, and she ran with it!

She filed a grievance against me, citing my time recording, start time, complaints from staff, clients and colleagues, inability to bill files or respond to letters from the LSC and so on, but also brought up a lot of other stuff, like the time I had off in December, my depression and some other things. Now, I have already held up my hand to those on high that I have shouted at a professional from another firm on the phone. I have suggested my start time be amended to 10 am as I can't seem to make it in for 9 am. I have explained that much of my anger and lack of motivation that lead to the other cock-up derived from my depression, but that I had addressed my depression quickly and had made the firm and my colleagues aware of the problems I was having. I did that back in February of this year, and have been making amends ever since.

That would have been I think around about April 7. Since then, I haven't had word boo from her - or hadn't until Wednesday. She finished work on the Friday, and my last day before my short break in Germany was Wednesday. I'd asked earlier while she was out on lunch if it was definite that this Friday was her last day, and she must have heard about it because she stalked into my office and kind of...I dunno, hissed would be about right, but she hisses at high volume! Anyway, she hissed/yelled 'If you want to know when my last day is, why don't you ask me? For your information, yes, it is this Friday. But don't you worry, it'll be your last day before very much longer, so enjoy it while you can!'

On that, she turned on her heel and marched out my office, her departure spoiled only by the fact that she bounced off the doorframe on the way out...

That was not, however, the last she had to say to me. Oh no. That came at full roar as she went off to see a client downstairs.

'Not much point coming back from Germany, really - she ought to stay there. That's if her fucking pensioner will have her'.

Let's just say that it is really a testament to my ability to remain calm that she did not complete her descent of the stairs with the assistance of my toe up her arse.

I did leap out my chair when I heard the door downstairs slam shut and head for the secretaries' room which is next to mine and as far from the top of the stairs as my room. J had her head in her hands and was whey-faced and A was just kind of chewing on the inside of her lip and wriggling her nose the way she does when there's something she really doesn't want to do or say. I demanded to know if they'd heard that, then - the shame! - started to cry as I was so furious.

Later, J told me that if I mentioned it to those on high she would not deny it, but wouldn't report it herself. That's good enough for me.

The outcome of the investigation was reported to me on Monday of this week. I have to attend a disciplinary hearing on Wednesday next week. A day or so later, the partner who had dealt with L's grievance reported back to her by post and she went postal about that. Apparently he'd skirted the issues that she'd raised and she was most unsatisfied and demanded an appeal against it, stating which other partner she wanted to handle the appeal.

Ooops. She didn't get who she wanted. Oh no. She got the very top of the tree, the man who everybody fears, the man who takes no crap from no-one and who even she is a little bit afraid of, I think. She sees him at 10 am, I have my hearing at 2 pm.

I intend to go armed. I have one of my litigation colleagues, N, who I get on well with, coming with me. I was taking A, but she felt uncomfortable about it and thought it best I go with someone else. N is driving us there as she lives in the town where head office is, which is where I have to go. She can't speak for me, but can support me.

N spoke to her head of department, who handled L's grievance in the first place. She told me that she had a feeling that the disciplinary hearing is a step they have to be seen to have taken, so that if (when, more like) L goes to an employment tribunal and claims she was not dealt with fairly and was driven out of a job, they can show that they did take her seriously and carried out a full investigation.

I may receive a formal warning, a final written warning, be dismissed with notice or dismissed immediately with three months' pay in lieu of notice. They already know I intend to leave anyway. I'm hopeful I can arrange that I leave of my own accord and that my copybook isn't so badly blotted it makes it hard for me to find work in the future.

I've already owned up to having sworn at her. I've twice stated that she has been bullying me and I find it intolerable working with her. I've been told filing a grievance is the only thing I can do, to which I replied that I would still have to work with her and I would find it even harder having filed a grievance against her.

My health has suffered. My blood pressure is up, I've gained weight as I've been comfort eating or just plain not bothering to diet or exercise, and I haven't yet managed to taper off the anti-depressants, which having been on them for 8 months I would normally have done by now. My mood is noticeably flat, although at least I am not flying off the handle any more and haven't been really since the end of January when the increase in dosage kicked in.

So, there you have it. My life in a nutshell since I last bothered to update the blog.

I will update again next Wednesday, worry not. It's depressing, and annoying, and really very sad as I do love my job on so many levels. I just can't deal with the shit that comes with it at times.

Oh, hey! I have my Asperger's assessment on June 23! That's only what, seven months after I first saw a shrink and asked for it. Took a lot of nagging and a change of shrink to do it, too. But that's another post for another time.